It’s December 4th. Your birthday. I loved your birthdays and I can remember many of them so well. The last 3 are particularly vivid.
December 2017. Two of your best friends suggested we go away for your birthday as a surprise! You’d had a tough year that year. You broke your wrist in March and you had just lost your brother a couple of months before. Things were beginning to seem different with you. Not majorly different but enough to be concerned. You hadn’t been diagnosed with dementia yet but those closest to you could see something had changed. There was a slight change in how you spoke, how you focused, how you engaged with the world. You were changing but you were still you. Especially with us.
Anyway, we decided that Marrakesh would be a great place to celebrate you. Nice and sunny, but not too far.
We lied and said we were going to tour London in an Addison Lee but first Ernisha had to collect something from the airport. I’d packed your bags secretly the night before and had them collected so you would never know.
The story had a lot of loopholes but you didn’t question it. You were always so unassuming. The penny didn’t drop until you saw Akeem and Layton in the airport and even then you didn’t think we were realllllly going away. You kept looking at us and laughing. We had an amazing time. Our hotel was beautiful but our company was even better. We laughed so much!!
Mom beaming as we pull up to our hotel 
Her birthday meal at a boujee burlesque type restaurant lol 
Walking throygh the Majorelle Gardens 
Opening presents the morning of her birthday 
Just before we rode some camels
December 2018. Akeem and I planned an intimate meal at your favourite restaurant with your closest family and friends to celebrate with you. You’d been diagnosed with early onset fronto-temporal dementia that September. We knew that our time with the mom we knew and recognised would probably be running shorter than we would like so we wanted to give you some flowers you could smell. By this point you didn’t speak much but you smiled often. I was really anxious because people were late and the room was hot so the cake was melting a little bit. I thought the surprise would have been ruined but you didn’t notice at all. You were so happy to be there. With people you loved and recognised. You smiled like a happy child and posed for pictures with all your guests. You loved your balloons and kept them long after your birthday went. We kept asking if you had a good time and you grinned and said “yes” every time.
My brother, mom and I 
She loved these balloons so much 
Sitting with her favourite balloon
December 2019. Your last Birthday with us. You had a neurology appointment at 9 o’clock that morning and I was so angry. Your original appointment was supposed to be a month earlier but it was cancelled at the last minute. I tried to call and rearrange but your birthday seemed to be the only date the consultant had available. I don’t know why I was so angry. Maybe because I felt deep down that it was going to be the last birthday that you would remember. You were changing so quickly I was worried that by next year you wouldn’t be able to tell us what you wanted or where you wanted to go. You would still be here though.
We went to your appointment anyway. It was a 9am appointment at the QE so we left the house before 8 and we were still late. We went back home and I got you dressed into a nice little outfit. A white tie waist top from ASOS and some light blue skinny jeans. You opened your gifts with some help and smiled whilst we read you your cards. We booked a late lunch at Bank as that was your favourite restaurant. You would get quite tired around 5 in the evening so the earlier we went the better. You didn’t smile for the pictures as you normally would and you didn’t talk either. In fact Bev and Akeem had to feed you and you didn’t finish all of your dinner. But it was nice and you nodded when we asked if you’d had a good day.
Mom looking at her PA Bev who had just given her a birthday card 
I’m glad we did those things. Those really extra things that seemed over the top to some. I’m so glad we did it. I’m so glad you felt our love. That we didn’t just say it but we tried to show it, shower you in it.
This year, we released balloons to remember you and put nice fresh flowers on your eternal resting place. It’s the best we could do for you in this time and I’m trying to fight feelings telling me it isn’t enough, but then I remember you and I remember that the smallest of gestures was enough for you as long as we meant it. And Akeem and I really meant it when we said we loved you and wanted to give you the world.
You would have been 55 this year Mom. I didn’t expect to stop saying happy birthday to you in the flesh so soon. It really does make my stomach turn when I think about the fact your grandchildren will never be able to give you a homemade card that you will keep forever. Cause that’s what you did, you kept the things we made forever. I can’t help but think that you got cheated out of living the best years of your life. Part time work, no mortgage, working adult children. You should have been living and enjoying the fruits of your labour. This was your time to think about you and you only. Akeem and I should have been buying you things you didn’t need and taking you on holidays to all the places you’d dreamt of visiting. I can’t get my head around it though so I’ve stopped trying.
My everlasting present to you is a promise. I promise to live my life honestly. To love, completely. And to do everything with integrity. Just as you taught me.
Happy birthday Mommy. I miss you so so much and December 4th will never ever be the same. All my love, Shanice xx